Ilustration by: behance.net

As an INFJ, I found it quite challenging to stay calm and react to what life brings. My mind is full of complex questions, and it multiplies in number when it is related to friendship relationships. I set them as my 'home', my safest and the most comfortable place to spend a gloomy dawn. It makes me unconsciously rely my happiness in the living entity. The one who merely has a consciousness and full control of their life. As the rarest personality type, it is difficult for other people to understand my way of thinking. Instead, I started being judged and assumed to be an overdramatic person.

I do understand that because we're standing on a different shoe. For me, friendship is another level of a blood relationship. It is never easy to meet a friend with many things in common. There is such a feeling that pushes me to embrace and protect them. Someone told me that the embracement, safety, and comfort I gave is something that I actually longed for from others since I was a kid.

Giving my 100%

It becomes a consequence of mine that I will strive to give my best to my close friend. I have no doubt about setting a 100% level of myself to them. I have nothing to expect in return, tbh. I just want to let them know that they are so worthy and important in my life. As a home, I tried decorating them with a beautiful curtain, a fresh and majestic house plant, and a fancy couch just to make me comfortable.

It is bad of me to set myself as a number rank of priority. There is a vacant inside of myself filled with excitement once I can satisfy them with my 100 level of kindness and treatment. It makes me forget to love myself deeper than any other human being in this world. As time by, I am losing myself since I set my anchor on them. My unconscious mind keeps telling me, "Please, I am okay to follow your path as long as you are happy and you can accept me to be on your side." Losing my anchor is the worst unconscious decision that I've always made.

When Break Up Come

Nothing is certain other than uncertainty. Nothing remains eternal when time itself keeps moving. And no one remains to stay when they are indeed a living being. But it is too late to realize the fact that I've been losing myself. I forgot that no matter how close we are with friends, there is still a potential for us to be apart. Let alone the fact that we might hurt them because in the end, God will take a part when the time is come. Again, there is nothing eternal.

When the friendship break up, it is never have been easy for me. I am losing the most comfortable home that I've been caring for so much. I am losing my mind as I can't decide where I should go. There is part of me that willingly chooses to leave. Again, I am losing my anchor. The desperation leads me to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do. I can not control people and their reactions. My kindness in my past would never be able to measure up with their final decision.

I am being immersed in unworthy feelings, hopeless and helpless. It is merely because I put too much myself into them. My body neither isn't functioning nor do I have no enough energy because it is somehow absorbed by my seductive thoughts. I started blaming myself for not being able to meet the same level of kindness as they'd expected. Again, I don't care about myself. I still put them as my priority even when I know that I am the one who's so miserable.

My best friend is like a blood relationship for me. Once we break up, it is like losing a soulmate. It hurts me deeper because I know, unlike the blood relationship, I have no right to keep them by my side.

I Wish That I Could Rely More on Myself

In the end, it is way too late. Past is one of the things that I can't control. I should stop blaming myself for something that I did in the past. Instead, I need to be present and manage my future self. I wish it was that easy. I hate being myself when it comes to the idea of relying on others. Among any other takeaways. One fundamental takeaway I need to handle is that I should stop begging for happiness from others. My happiness is solely become my responsibility. 

It is included for being arrogant when it talks about my happiness. I must put myself at the very first level of priority. I should start questioning why I should do something. Is it for others, or am I included in the consideration. When I have counted me in, they deserve my kind treatment. It is not about being egoistic when I don't care about others. Being helpful and self-toxic is two different things. I just need to ask myself did I do this for the sake of helping others, or am I just trying to create another home. 

In the end, the definition of home is ourselves. We are the place that needs to be decorated so that it becomes the most comfortable place to take a rest after a very draining day. None has the same level of rights and responsibilities as ourselves.

*Writer is not mastering English as his first language therefore some unexpected mistakes may exist. Feel free to give some comments and advice for better writing.