Ilustration by Behance.net

It has been counted more than two years since that breaking-changing tragedy. The moment when I drifted by unconscious wind, forget the ground, and crumbled by the whispering voice that condemned my soul and shouted that I am undeserving. That was an untypical way for me to lose my anchor; being hopeless and helpless. Regis Machdy, the one who wrote "Loving the wounded soul" keeps saying that this will be a long journey when relapse is something inevitable. I am pretty aware of it, and I need to learn how to deal with it.

Beloved and Supportive Circle

It was me who said that I messed my life up, I am not worth hanging on, and this life is overly cruel for me. Those sentences build up a void inside of my heart. And that were friends of mine who kept encouraging me by saying that everyone has their own mistake, just hang on there, and let's see how the universe builds up our destiny. Your life is way more precious than any of those bitches. I miss them a lot; the one who willingly checked up on me while I didn't even function. The one who sincerely asked me with no prejudice about what I've done since they understand me more than myself back then.

Don't dare you to grant your seductive thoughts. Don't you want to taste seblak (sundaness spicy food)? or instant noodles in the middle of the rain? You won't be able to taste the excitement when you are determined to choose to end up your life tho. 

A Long Non-Winter Night

The night when I was in that chaotic scene was perceived to be so long. I didn't even in a four seasoned country, but I can feel how the long night went through as winter come. It seemed to take a decade just to wait for the sunrise to come. Each tick of the clock's second felt like a burdening feeling of awaiting. It sounds like a judgment with an invincible entity. I have no reason to stay awake, and it's just my brain that didn't allow me to. Those self inflict pains made me devastatedly awake by burying me with many questions and regrets. I've never imagined that I will be in this stage of feeling. It was such a boomerang for me when I formerly said "Why do people can feel that way". It was just temporary until I feel it by myself. 

Even when I found the sunrise in the morning, the cold breeze still hangs on my skin. It created a gloomy day and absorb the whole positive energy that's supposed to exist. It reminds me of the Dementors, the fictional creature that will take all the happiness and hopes away like it never exists. It left a void of ignorance and makes you become unconsciously awake. Having less control over your body and your mind. That's the most terrible way to spend a day.

A Mourning Wall

When you are in the lowest position of your life and feel like have no power to move your body, you will need that external power to support you. For me, I don't want to project this source of power in the form of someone's presence. At least here is what I learned during my relapses. I shouldn't rely my source of serenity towards human beings. Instead, I projected this to a part of my bedroom wall which is full of messages I've posted on it. The message that full of positive affirmations I wrote on my own. 

"Chozin, I know that you can do it." "it shall pass". "Please, hang on". "God loves you"."You deserve the happiness"

These words might be less meaningful for some, but for me it is such a huge support system that I build. The wall turned out to be my mourning wall. I could spend a long period just sitting and contemplating. Absorbing its energy and recharging mine. This is the mechanism that I finally understood to make myself able to stand on my own feet. 

This is a phase

After more than two years of self-battling, I do understand that it is completely a phase. You need to experience that five stages of grief. As a process, you are not supposed to skip even one of them so that you can finally be healed. It gave me the notion that being healed doesn't mean that we don't have that wound. It was there, but the wound does not affect us in meaningful ways anymore. Being healed means that we can acknowledge our incapability to handle some things so that we can set a border to maintain our sanity.

Dear all the readers, I hope that you wouldn't need to experience this kind of terrible journey. You do not need to feel it to understand how the process is. Through my writing, I tried to bring you how the feelings so you shouldn't experience them by yourself. I hope that you will have that infinity of happiness and be surrounded by a supporting and loving circle.

*Writer is not mastering English as his first language therefore some unexpected mistakes may exist. Feel free to give some comments and advice for better writing.