Ilustration by Behance.net

It has been counted more than two years since that breaking-changing tragedy. The moment when I drifted by unconscious wind, forget the ground, and crumbled by the whispering voice that condemned my soul and shouted that I am undeserving. That was an untypical way for me to lose my anchor; being hopeless and helpless. Regis Machdy, the one who wrote "Loving the wounded soul" keeps saying that this will be a long journey when relapse is something inevitable. I am pretty aware of it, and I need to learn how to deal with it.

Beloved and Supportive Circle

It was me who said that I messed my life up, I am not worth hanging on, and this life is overly cruel for me. Those sentences build up a void inside of my heart. And that were friends of mine who kept encouraging me by saying that everyone has their own mistake, just hang on there, and let's see how the universe builds up our destiny. Your life is way more precious than any of those bitches. I miss them a lot; the one who willingly checked up on me while I didn't even function. The one who sincerely asked me with no prejudice about what I've done since they understand me more than myself back then.

Don't dare you to grant your seductive thoughts. Don't you want to taste seblak (sundaness spicy food)? or instant noodles in the middle of the rain? You won't be able to taste the excitement when you are determined to choose to end up your life tho. 

A Long Non-Winter Night

The night when I was in that chaotic scene was perceived to be so long. I didn't even in a four seasoned country, but I can feel how the long night went through as winter come. It seemed to take a decade just to wait for the sunrise to come. Each tick of the clock's second felt like a burdening feeling of awaiting. It sounds like a judgment with an invincible entity. I have no reason to stay awake, and it's just my brain that didn't allow me to. Those self inflict pains made me devastatedly awake by burying me with many questions and regrets. I've never imagined that I will be in this stage of feeling. It was such a boomerang for me when I formerly said "Why do people can feel that way". It was just temporary until I feel it by myself. 

Even when I found the sunrise in the morning, the cold breeze still hangs on my skin. It created a gloomy day and absorb the whole positive energy that's supposed to exist. It reminds me of the Dementors, the fictional creature that will take all the happiness and hopes away like it never exists. It left a void of ignorance and makes you become unconsciously awake. Having less control over your body and your mind. That's the most terrible way to spend a day.

A Mourning Wall

When you are in the lowest position of your life and feel like have no power to move your body, you will need that external power to support you. For me, I don't want to project this source of power in the form of someone's presence. At least here is what I learned during my relapses. I shouldn't rely my source of serenity towards human beings. Instead, I projected this to a part of my bedroom wall which is full of messages I've posted on it. The message that full of positive affirmations I wrote on my own. 

"Chozin, I know that you can do it." "it shall pass". "Please, hang on". "God loves you"."You deserve the happiness"

These words might be less meaningful for some, but for me it is such a huge support system that I build. The wall turned out to be my mourning wall. I could spend a long period just sitting and contemplating. Absorbing its energy and recharging mine. This is the mechanism that I finally understood to make myself able to stand on my own feet. 

This is a phase

After more than two years of self-battling, I do understand that it is completely a phase. You need to experience that five stages of grief. As a process, you are not supposed to skip even one of them so that you can finally be healed. It gave me the notion that being healed doesn't mean that we don't have that wound. It was there, but the wound does not affect us in meaningful ways anymore. Being healed means that we can acknowledge our incapability to handle some things so that we can set a border to maintain our sanity.

Dear all the readers, I hope that you wouldn't need to experience this kind of terrible journey. You do not need to feel it to understand how the process is. Through my writing, I tried to bring you how the feelings so you shouldn't experience them by yourself. I hope that you will have that infinity of happiness and be surrounded by a supporting and loving circle.

*Writer is not mastering English as his first language therefore some unexpected mistakes may exist. Feel free to give some comments and advice for better writing.

Source: Depresionals

I kept berating myself every time my mind starts to ruin my day by making a past scenario. It feels so nauseous facing an unstable mental just because of a pseudo matter that most people call "Memory". There was a moment when I was so determined to ask God to skip the time in order to let the slipped scenarios being evaporated easily. Otherwise, I was sincerely asking the grace to empower myself during my wrestle with the proliferation of thoughts.

Our Mind is Unique

It is kinda clear in my mind the moment when my lecturer told me the so-called memorizing tips. She said that, essentially, memorizing will be easier when we consciously understand it is something useful or when we put emotion into it. Emotion and memory are such a panacea to memorize things easily. Just bring me the strongest memory of yours so I will be able to mention what's your emotion that's sheathing it.

One thing that needs to be instilled is that memory is not always in a term of joy but also sadness. Both excitement and misery work perfectly with the memory. It won't become an issue when the memorized memory is a matter that you are willing to be memorized. Otherwise, you will be in suffer when you unconsciously memorize things that it merely brings you trauma. In another word, it tries to solder not only a piece of memory but also a glimpse of misery into yourself. 

I have been in this situation lately. Ehm, not as "lately" as you think. It took almost three years for the memory to be soldered with me; even until now. As I aforementioned between kind of joy and sadness emotion, I am not lucky enough to be destined with the latter one. It was full of regrets, hate, trauma, and also desperation. Those mixed feelings and emotions become a combo to bombard me in the past three years. 

The Easiest Way to Forget is By Stop Making a Memory

It is so funny to know the fact that we've been taught about how to memorize things but not about how to forget things. There are plenty of ideas about how to instill a matter and hope it will stay for a long time inside of our minds. But people rarely talk about the notion of deleting memory that's been stored. Unlike the delete button on our keyboard that will always remain there, there is no such kind of that feature in our mind to grant these issues. Our mind is the strongest organ that has the power to unconsciously store any information, even without our concerns. 

I have a radical thought that was suddenly popped up during my bottom rock. That, the easiest way to forget things is by stopping making a memory. It sounds simple but brutally hard to perform. Believing in this idea means we need to put our concerns in the very first place for every situation. We need to be aware of any circumstances that potentially make a memory. Especially when it comes alongside the flourishing emotions. Let's train ourselves to be more sensitive to make a mark as in a red flag for every situation that's potentially threatening. We are making a wall of ignorance as a border to strengthen our minds to not start memorizing. 

But believe me that it won't be taken for granted. At least for a short period. We need to battle with our ego by putting our desire aside so we can be more aware of every sign. I don't want to involve you in a procedural thingy, but here is the  "formula" that you might try. You'd need a reality check for every situation you're facing. You can consider the risk and the cost that you might need to pay before you allow those memories to enter your mind. Just ask these questions: 1) Do they really important or significant to my life, 2) Are they really sincere? 3)Are they deserved enough to get my good treat?, 4) Am I ready to be hurt?, 5) Am I capable enough to let things go when I put myself on suffer? 

Just count how many "No" you got from those questions. Once it is full of "No(s)" so you need to reconsider granting the memory in. There are many more questions that you can ask yourself. Here is the point, you need to be mindful and in a state full of consideration because there is no turning back after you put yourself on the line. Because at the end of the day, you are the only one who will lift yourself from that cliff of misery. 

Our mind is so powerful, once memory is stored it is kinda hard to forget. Please be kind and wise to it.

Dealing; not Forgetting

Many people are struggling to deal with memory. It is kinda has a similarity with "move on" issues. I couldn't agree more with that because both have a problem with letting things go. But dealing with this issue, especially our bad memory; is not always about forgetting. I start noticing that once it is already happened (read: memory is stored already) the best way to deal is not forgetting but accepting. Aside from the fact that we have no delete mechanism inside our minds, it is because for some reason they also give us lessons. 

Acceptance is the key. I never said that it will be easy. I am pretty sure that you will be in a state full of denial and desperation during the process. It will be kinda like a self battle to find an answer about why should I forgive or accept the memory to remain there. The period might vary for some people too. Because we will never know how deep the memory had dug into our brain and do a proliferation. 

It also reminds me of the concept of an overlapping memory. Acceptance will help us to make another good memory so it won't let the bad one arise. Making a good memory will help us to value our life even more. Believe me, that time never heals us but helps us to be used to face the misery itself. By that time, we will understand which one is paramount so we can consider that the old one has nothing to do with ourselves. In the end, it won't affect us in meaningful ways anymore.

Dear anyone who's reading this, I wish you a warm day and a tender heart. I might don't know you in person, but I sincerely want to say that you deserve the happiness that exists in this entire universe. For Sure.

*Writer is not mastering English as his first language therefore some unexpected mistakes may exist. Feel free to give some comments and advice for better writing.

I don't really mind if this post will be pointless and have no meaning as usual (Even it all used to be pointless either ehe). I just want to elude the scenario that keeps dancing in my mind lately. The imagination that's intangible but feels like a freaking tear stream for real. 

Writing is My Therapy

Being diagnosed with a word that I bet nobody wants to be embedded in become another level of trauma for me. Being sentenced that it will stay with me for a long period of time set me into an invisible cage. I am not even pretty familiar with the too-medical-sounded name; just simply call it depression. During my turbulence, I learned that expressing our feeling is such a therapy for the survivor. Setting the questioning thoughts free was another way to put the burden off from their back. It can be in any form as making music, writing statuses, Instagram posting, or just simply by self-talking. 

"Writing helps you to convey the lurking feeling and collect the puzzles to meet your serenity"

For me, writing become one of many coping mechanisms that I used to perform. It is not about seeking people's attention but just setting the burden to be free. It must be hard to articulate someone's feelings since it is an unobservable matter. Even there are so many people hard to understand what kind of feeling they face is. In another word, writing is a mechanism for me to dig into myself, looking for a clue from clueless feelings. Because eventually, I start believing that there must be a set of sadness puzzles that make your breathless heart aching. Keep questioning the indescribable pain solely help us to meet our own serenity by making that puzzle done. That's why I do keep writing.

Your Feeling is Valid

As the survivor, the hardest thing to survive is to convince themself that they are worthy. What they felt and what they faced is indeed valid. They need to instill this belief that no one has the right to judge their feeling. Not to mention the one who seems like wants to help but ends up with a toxic positivity instead. They are the ones who feel that shattered pain inside of their heart. So I do want to encourage people to appreciate their feeling by expressing their emotions. Writing is not solving their problem but it works to relieve their weight. Writing is neither always become the proper mechanism for anyone, so they need to find out what fits them. 

Dear all the survivors, you are on the right track to be more sensitive with that perhaps presumably be seen as a 'useless' habit. Just keep going and hang on a little bit. No matter how hard your life is and even though you are exploring a rocky pathway, just rest assured that you will eventually meet that silver lining. Believe me that you are truly worth more than any words can describe. I wish you much happiness that exists in the entire universe. It is me sending a tight virtual hug!

*Writer is not mastering English as his first language therefore some unexpected mistakes may exist. Feel free to give some comments and advice for better writing.